


Levy's Eighth Law

by Andraste



Category: X-Men (Comicverse)
Genre: Crack, Epistolary, F/M, Gen, Humor, M/M, Message Board Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-12
Updated: 2020-12-12
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:22:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28026189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Andraste/pseuds/Andraste
Summary: “No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail.”Or: assembling twenty thousand mutants on an island is bound to create a few ... logistical issues.
Relationships: Erik Lehnsherr/Charles Xavier, Jean Grey/Scott Summers, Remy LeBeau/Rogue
Comments: 15
Kudos: 30





	Levy's Eighth Law

**Author's Note:**

> The beginning of this story takes place shortly before the official opening of Krakoa, and it ends at some point before _X of Swords_ starts.
> 
> Continuity notes for people who are not reading (all of) the books: mutants moved to Krakoa to live together in something approximating harmony, Betsy is going by Captain Britain these days, Logan stole Erik's helmet by getting him drunk.

**Subject: Official Opening**

Sage: I know there's a general message hub being built for all Krakoa residents, but I've set this up so we can discuss any business that doesn't merit a Council session, make suggestions and share ideas. Access will be granted to Council members, the Five, the various x-teams and anyone else who needs it.

Cyclops: You can delete Logan right now, he never reads his e-mail.

Wolverine: You mean I never read e-mail _you_ send me.

Sage: I see this is already off-topic. What a good omen.

*thread locked by Sage*

**Subject: Directions**

Cypher: Hey everyone! Just to let you know, in addition to beaming the map into everyone's brains when they learn Krakoan, I got the island to grow a few signposts here and there. I know a few people were finding the layout confusing, hopefully this will help.

Cyclops: Speaking of labelling, why does the toothpaste taste like vanilla? Also, the texture is way, _way_ off.

Cypher: That isn't the toothpaste. You want the dispenser on the _left_ side of the bathroom sinks - the stuff that tastes like cinnamon. (Sorry, this is my fault, I need to have Krakoa grow labels for them all before all the new people get here. I will get right on that.)

Cyclops: OK, new question: why does the toothpaste taste like cinnamon? (Additional question: why does the personal lubricant taste like vanilla?)

Professor X: Krakoa doesn't have any taste buds as we understand them, so it's not very easy to produce specific flavours, especially for things that aren't food as such. I'm sure someone will sort it out in time but it isn't a priority for now. We went with the least offensive options available.

Cypher: A free translation - "I am a weirdo who likes cinnamon toothpaste and I over-ruled the people who voted for chocolate lube."

Professor X: It makes a mess.

Cyclops: Please stop before I start thinking about how you know that and have to make Jean scrub my brain out.

Forge: What was wrong with mint? (ETA: I mean, for the toothpaste. Not the lube.)

Cypher: The soap is mint.

Nightcrawler: That seems like a bad idea if we don't want people to eat it by accident.

Beast: Oh, it's quite safe to eat! (So is the toothpaste. So is the lubricant, for that matter.)

Forge: Is this 'safe' like the plates? For the record, I am still very upset.

Cypher: Don't worry, I've talked Krakoa out of making any more 'improvements' to anyone's digestive system. Drink all the minty soap you want.

White Queen: My first proposal to the Council is that we make a resolution to make this place at least 50% less disgusting.

Magneto: Can we all just agree that we're lucky to _have_ toothpaste and personal lubricant and not quibble about the details for now? (It's not every mutant island Utopia that automatically provides toilet paper, let me tell you.)

Exodus: Indeed. Some of us were alive before any of these things were invented.

Cypher: I guess we have to thank humans for _something_.

Apocalypse: No.

Cyclops: I would ask you to elaborate, but I want an answer even less than I want to know about the chocolate lube.

*thread locked by Sage*

**Subject: Incorrect Username**

Apocalypse: Why is my account under my previous name?

Sage: Most people here are still using keyboards made for typing in human alphabets, and we haven't had time to design message board software that accepts Krakoan input. I'm afraid nobody can type your new name right now, sorry.

Sunspot: Sure you can! Just write it like ▪︎-|A|-▪︎ .

Nightcrawler: That's not enough dots. It should be more like ▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎-|A|-▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎? Except that doesn't have the top dots, I suppose.

Cypher: Just call him the Artist Formerly Known as Apocalypse until we get better keyboards.

The Artist Formerly Known As Apocalypse: I suppose this is an acceptable temporary solution.

Sunspot: This wouldn't be a problem if you let us have emojis here. Or .gifs!

Sage: Absolutely not.

*thread locked by Sage*

**Subject: Why can't I bring weed through the gates?**

Kid Omega: Question in the title. Whose shitty idea was this? MUTANT FREEDOM!!!

Cypher: I think Krakoa just hates the smell. Sorry, dude. You might have more luck with edibles?

Forge: What about bacon?

Cypher: Same deal, just like the coffee. (ETA: I don't think bringing bacon edibles will help.)

Angel: Do we actually have a drug policy yet?

Marvel Girl: Only the one about not letting Pyro give the kids any more beer.

Professor X: We're trying to unite mutantkind and create an entirely new civilisation. Let us not also give ourselves the task of keeping teenagers away from substances they aren't allowed to have. I like to choose one impossible battle a time.

Iceman: Wait, were you just pretending not to know about our beer stash all those years?

Professor X: Bobby, I am one of the world's most powerful telepaths. Please think about this.

Cyclops: Wait, you had a beer stash? Why am I only learning about this now?

Angel: Scott, be reasonable. You would have narked on us.

Cyclops: I mean, fair.

Cyclops: Wait ... did Jean know about this?

Iceman: Jean is the one who usually got us the beer, so ...

Karma: Are we seriously going to allow the kids to have narcotics?

Kid Omega: It's only beer. And maybe weed. Possibly bacon.

The Black King: If anyone would like to purchase certain substances, I can arrange a deal.

Iceman: I never thought I'd see the day Sebastian Shaw would stoop to the lowest of all crimes: bacon dealing.

**Subject: New Flavour Suggestion Inspired By Above**

Forge: Maybe you can make the lube taste like bacon.

Magneto: No.

Forge: I'm sure bacon-flavoured lube produced by a weird mutant island is kosher, and also, why do you even care? I watched you eat those roast pork canapés at the Hellfire Gala

Magneto: Bacon flavour makes even more of a mess than chocolate.

Sage: All right, a new rule: no discussing the lube and its flavour. If anyone cares that much they can bring their own through the gates, so far I've seen no reports of Kraoka rejecting _that_.

*thread locked by Sage*

**Subject: This Is Awkward**

Pyro: Hey, weird situation, but can someone do something about the, uh, private thoughts that are leaking out of some of the telepathic teenagers? I'm as open-minded as the next bloke but hearing that stuff from kids makes me uncomfortable.

Kid Omega: I mean, we have to listen to _you_.

Pyro: Wait, what?

White Queen: Don't worry, nobody is listening in on purpose. Anyone who's had telepathic powers for more than six weeks or so is just annoyed by everyone else's sex thoughts. It's like watching someone else eat a sandwich.

Pyro: ... sorry, I guess?

Captain Britain: Honestly, sex thoughts aren't really that bad - somewhere below 'wondering what to have for lunch' and 'fretting about leaving the oven on.' Maybe just above 'trying to remember the names of all the original Pokemon.'

Cable: Definitely below song lyrics.

Chamber: Goes without saying. Nothing is worse than song lyrics.

Exodus: One thing: incorrect song lyrics.

Captain Britain: Oh God yes. Can we make a mutant law where I get to stab Patrick Stump in the brain with a psychic dagger whenever I want? Because I blame his poor enunciation for half of it.

Professor X: I sympathize, obviously, but I feel like a firm but gentle correction might be more fruitful than stabbing his brain.

Captain Britain: I _will_ gently correct him. With my psychic dagger.

Exodus: Can we make this a group expedition? I would like to participate.

Sage: I'm all in favour of stabbing Patrick Stump however you like, but we've drifted off-topic again.

*thread locked by Sage*

**Subject: Speaking of Pokémon ...**

Mondo: Why doesn't Krakoa have a gym, or even a PokéStop ? We've got lots of important landmarks!

Cypher: You can just go back through a gate - there's one right outside the New York gate, FYI, that you can spin without even going through the human checkpoint.

Mondo: Sure, but who wants to go all the way over there every time they need more balls? I completely ran out while I was in space.

Boom-Boom: Wait, how are you still playing? My phone doesn't even work here!

Cypher: No, but Beast got some apps working on the Krakoan tablets.

Beast: I also submitted a new PokéStop request to Niantic, but they're refusing to recognise our geographical location. I'm working on it via diplomatic channels.

Sage: This is what you're doing instead of updating our database software?

Beast: I can multi-task!

*thread locked by Beast*

**Subject: Back on Topic**

Marvel Girl: I'll take over the blocking-sex-thoughts lessons, I guess. Both directions. I grew up in a house with four teenage boys, I'm an expert.

Iceman: Uh, sorry?

Marvel Girl: It's OK, Bobby, at least _you_ weren't thinking about _my_ butt all the time.

Iceman: Yeah, I guess in hindsight that should have been a hint.

Beast: I would like to defend myself against these largely spurious charges of thinking about your butt. (ETA: not that it isn't worth thinking about. No insult to your posterior is intended.)

Marvel Girl: You were mostly thinking about differential calculus, Hank, and I'm not sure that's better.

Cyclops: I was absolutely thinking about your butt.

Exodus: You are thinking about her butt right now and we all wish you would be quieter.

**Subject: When you say Krakoa is for all mutants, do you really mean ALL mutants?**

Gambit: Question in thread title.

Professor X: Yes. Krakoa is for all mutants, if they want to be here.

Gambit: I just think having Candra around could be awkward. Especially now I'm married, non?

Rogue: Honey, given how mutant dating usually works, we're all going to have to manage to live in peace with our exes.

Magneto: Quite.

Gambit: Including the exes that tried to kill us?

Rogue: Do mutants have any other kind?

Magneto: Your romantic history aside, we all manage to put up with Essex, Fabian Cortez _and_ Amahl Farouk. You'll cope.

Jubilee: Honestly, I thought Farouk would be a lot worse than he is. I worried he was going to be trouble, but someone showed him where the nacho tree is and now he's surprisingly chill.

Professor X: Krakoa is a place for mutants to self-actualize. Some people just needed their basic needs met in order to stop lashing out at others.

Moonstar: You don't think your extremely detailed description of what would happen if he broke any rules had anything to do with his new sunny disposition? (Storm told me. I was impressed.)

Jubilee: No, he's right, it's obviously the nachos. If you'd tried them, you would know.

**Subject: A New List of Things We Will Not Carry For You**

Kate Pryde: The Marauders are here for all your mutant liberation and discreet shipping needs, but there are some things we're not going to help you with. No sauerkraut/lutefisk/natto or other food that stinks out the hold. No dynamite. Absolutely no radioactive material. In short: if your cargo is explosive and/or smells bad, it's a no. We have to live on that boat.

Nightcrawler: Just so you know, I consider this a betrayal of our friendship.

Armor: Agreed.

Kate Pryde: Don't blame me. If Pyro didn't accidentally set things on fire so often, I wouldn't have to ban them.

Pyro: We've got Bob AND Storm on board! Everything was fine!

Storm: If I am dragged out of my bunk at three in the morning again, I meant what I said about striking you with lightning and then throwing you in the ocean. Not necessarily in that order.

Icmean: Sorry, I gotta agree with Ororo here. (Well, I can't make lightning, obviously, but I might stand there and laugh.)

The Black King: As previously noted, I'm more happy to arrange shipping of foodstuffs. I'm curious about who wants radioactive material, though. I thought we had several radioactive mutants?

Sinister: None of them will stand still long enough for what I have in mind, and I'm not allowed to make them.

Professor X: Absolutely no nuclear material on the island unless you get _full_ Council approval.

Sinister: But that will involve telling everyone what it's for. It was going to be a surprise :(.

*thread locked by Sage*

**Subject: Can a Council member please come and pick up Magneto?**

Blob: He's on the floor again.

White Queen: Please tell me he wasn't drinking with someone else who has a healing factor.

Sinister: Please tell me someone stole his helmet again.

Blob: I have the helmet safe behind the bar. Whoever collects him can have it as far as I'm concerned.

Mystique: Isn't this a problem for Xavier? Just because the rest of us serve in the same government doesn't mean we're responsible for carrying him home.

Blob: The prof is in Sweden or something.

Professor X: Fred, if this ever happens again, please _just call me_. Even if I am in Sweden, I am only a gate away. I'm telepathic _and_ in possession of a phone. (Also: perhaps you should consider cutting him off before it gets to this point?)

Blob: Look, _you_ try telling the Master of Magnetism he needs to take it easy on the cocktails. I mean, I assume you already tried, since he kept telling me not to call you because you yelled at him last time.

Sinister: Oooooo, trouble in paradise?

Professor X: I am taking this conversation to a more appropriate venue.

*thread locked by Professor X*

**Subject: Vaccination Updates**

Cecelia Reyes: Just a reminder that everyone is meant to swing by and get their vaccinations updated _every_ time they get resurrected. (Charles, this means you!)

Professor X: Sorry, Dr. Reyes, I've been busy, I'll come by tomorrow for that tetanus booster.

Kid Omega: Is this really necessary? We've invented all of the best medicines ever. Surely we've come up with some better form of prevention than jabbing everyone with needles?

Cecelia Reyes: If we figure it out I'll let you know. In the meantime Elixir has better things to do than curing your chickenpox for the _third_ time, Quentin. I might even be able to find a lollipop for you if you're a very good boy.

Daken: Unfair! I never got a lollipop.

Cecelia Reyes: You have a healing factor.

Daken: This is blatant discrimination and I'm lodging an official complaint with the Council.

*thread locked by Sage*

**Subject: Please Don't Make More Work For Us**

Hope: Everyone should know this already, but the Five have enough to do with a backlog of several million to get through. I can't help but notice that some of you have died a _lot_ more than you used to before you knew you could come back.

Kid Omega: X-Force missions are ludicrously dangerous and believe me when I say I am not _intending _to get my head cut off ever again.__

__Domino: Agreed._ _

__Mystique: I've woken up in a pod once and that was enough. Surely nobody is doing this for fun._ _

__Egg: Please tell that to the guy who drowned after he filled a hot tub with custard._ _

__Magik: Is it just me, or was resurrecting Jamie Braddock a mistake?_ _

__Captain Britain: Sorry, Hope, I'll have a word with him._ _

__

__**Subject: Moon Visitation Schedule?** _ _

__Cyclops: I know we have lots of residents who have never been to the moon before and are excited to go, but can we work out a rotation or something? Some of us actually live there, and the crowds are getting annoying._ _

__Angel: Is this about the school excursion who caught Logan sunbathing (Earthbathing???) naked the other day?_ _

__Cyclops: It is not. (This is somehow the first I'm hearing about this.)_ _

__Sinister: I thought we were all about self-actualization here on Krakoa. If Logan wants to run around as nature intended, who are we to stop him?_ _

__Cyclops: I'm pretty sure that if I show Logan this creepy message he will stay in his pants forever. Well done, I guess._ _

__Sinister: I'm a helper._ _

__

__**Subject: Has anybody seen Professor X and/or Magneto today?** _ _

__Bishop: I have that extradition paperwork for Vanisher and I need them both to sign it. I can't find them and they're not answering telepathic enquiries._ _

__Sage: They told me they were having a Winter Council meeting this afternoon. No need to disturb them._ _

__Cyclops: Well, it's good that they're getting along again. I don't think anyone needed Erik sulking in the tiki bar._ _

__Iceman: I saw Apocalypse hanging out with Rictor, like, ten minutes ago. Isn't he on the Winter Council too?_ _

__Angel: Pretty sure 'Winter Council meeting' is a euphemism here, Bobster._ _

__Iceman: … oh. Wow. Um. Forget I said anything._ _

__Boom-Boom: Did you seriously not realise what was going on there? I thought you were meant to have gay-dar._ _

__Iceman: A) We all know that my gay-dar is so faulty I couldn't even detect myself B) I have never voluntarily thought about the professor _or_ Magneto having sex and I don't want to ever again. I hope they're happy and all, but I may ask to have my brain wiped of this entire conversation._ _

__Sage: That's probably for the best._ _

__Iceman: Sorry, what were we talking about?_ _

__Bishop: Never mind any of this nonsense, I still need to get these forms signed!_ _

__Sage: For God's sake, Bishop, just leave them on the desk like everyone else. Porter can wait a day - maybe it will teach him to stop breaking into the Louvre._ _

__*thread locked by Sage*_ _


End file.
